anxious

2002-08-31, 3:53 p.m.

I just tried to take a freakin nap but i can never fully fall asleep for more than 5 minutes... i took a nap because i got like 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night... bah!! After i left aarons at midnight i went right to bed even though i REALLY wante to talk to Jill. Maybe i felt so shitty because were both such dorks but at the same time i think "maybe she doesnt even want me to kiss her". i look at her as this person who is who somehow transcends me, almost like i would die if i even tried to kiss her. i know that im making this so much harder than it really is... why dont i just kiss her so that i can see and feel that she is human, she is my equal. But it scares me, dont ask me why, it just feels safe to think of HER as the one who will inevitably hurt me, i cant hurt someone so emotionally strong. BAH! eh, yesterday i went to Analy (my old high school) to see if i could do an internship with the video department. When i reached for the door handle it opened and out popped Ethan, "hey Paul!"... cool. I walked in and a bunch of people started gossiping with each other, then Mrs. Humphrey was like "everybody say hi Paul!", "HI PAUL!". I think this was the point where i realized that i no longer needed Analy. i stayed for the class discussion and screwed up a bunch of shit. I even got to be Dick Cheney and make Ethan the show producer without him even knowing what was happening, like good ol' Georgee boy.

Oh yeah.. i couldnt sleep last night because i kept punching myself in the face... really hard... it just kept punching and punching like freakin Mike Tyson with energizer batteries... 20, yes!

Ps... its totally my birthday, i forgot... alison, why didnt you say anything! JK