tonight

2003-03-20, 9:52 p.m.

i love a girl that i might never see again.

i love a girl that seems fine to never see me again. smiling always because i know the path can include the loss of want and urge, all around us is the urge and the want. go deep within myself tonight, today, last night because the energy i focus on other people has to be confused. the girl will never see me as more than an electron, it could make me sad if i didnt think it was creating something greater. stoics look at me with a secret knowledge that i stand so very close to them that at any day i could fall into their ranks. and the existensialist looks at me like the unknowledged boy, struck with wanderlust. songs are popping out and, faded from winter, i need the twilight sun to make my brow moist. in just a few weeks i lost two things i love. a job, how can i love it? but how can i not love something that absolutely changed me for the best. to have not one but two mentors in such a small place, brown building separated from a crowd of ancient giants. he said to me in the bright light of august, "remember yourself, when you are walking around and you know you have been oblivious to the moments". she told me in an amber evening, " question it all. even the time you grew up by. even the space that your hands have never let go of". the other thing i lost, i had not known for 4 years. marsha told me to question time, so i question how important it is when you sink into a feeling, rest in its apholstery for just long enough to leave your mark on yourself. friends is what i can hope for when i know she doesnt want what i have in that way.