now i start counting the days before it begins to rain

2004-10-10, 2:44 a.m.

id like to preface anything by saying i cant POST pics anymore cuz im not a gold member, so scratch taht idea...

what is the difference between these pre fabricated jawlines that gender produces? i snake my way from one set to the next, leaving a thin trace of myself caught between the ivory that juts from rosey flesh. this is usually a night time rememberance, of fickle moments where i wasnt so sure things would turn out so bad. when i could walk on the beach, midnight brewing stars in heavens kitchen, and i could feel the cool sand through my grass green pumas.
now i am under the streetlight of a state park rest area, and i felt like the Hitchiker (this show i watched when i lived in Hayward and i slept on a milk white sofa in my uncle's house), with a dirty camera lens that never pretended to shed light on the ambiguous shadows far from the set lights. sobering realization, physical pain, you've got to be kidding me! this is rediculous to the point of absurdity. this is walking the path of regret, and -regardless of the fact that im just window shopping for something to call life on- im writing my petition to the gods as all of this is happening to me.
the slip cover on this couch is pink and velvety, i like the way it feels like a short coat of dog hair. she pulls me down, but someone should have stopped the tape; Zach, where are you when we need to be saved by the bell?. you can hear the whistle blowing, telling me its time for just another realization that nothing comes easy, ever, because she will let you down and you know its true. you know you will wake up tomorrow bleeding, nursing the cuts inflicted on you by gnashing masses of enamal coated lies. jump to, take heed of your body, that shakes in the silent living room at 5 am. go home now, when the disappointment could be at least PARTIALLY distributed. the sunrise will not renounce its colors, and it will not try to turn back its glare to the one it pretended not to love.

you cant get here fast enough