genesis

2004-09-25, 11:07 a.m.

im going to play doctor, and im going to use myself as the cadaver. i will cut through the skin with a freshly sterilized scalpal, and watch the blood seek the depressions along my chest. somewhere inside i will need to remove those parts of me which can go on existing no longer. seems a simple enough task, but i am confronted by one paradox: i remove this part of me to stop these emotional attatchments, but i cannot cut into the heart.
where do i go then? the liver is a poor place for love to dwell, and the lungs are merely the homeless shelters of the body. something is telling me i wont be able to incise just one piece, but rather that i will need to cut in swerving lines, the way a jigsaw cuts up a puzzle.
today im going to start again; new dog, new car, new people (or just the same old ones that were there for me, waiting patiently.) in all that, there is a level of excitement, a realm of possibility that was missing. yesterday was inhabited by the last bits of kinetic hope, three months in the making, but friction... then a sudden wall left me motionless. ill walk back up to the top of the hill now, and find a way to fall back off the cliff, because the fool will always fall, and i will enjoy each second that i think im commensing flight.