newsprint is etched into my palms

2004-06-10, 3:56 p.m.

eloquent defeat, to be near a bomb when the ezplosion rips your eardrums into tattered leather, split like a cat-of-nine-tails. you wonder how, you wonder why, and you blink... black on yellow on gray, continual hum of a truck engine.

im catching on these days, not catching up like i thought i could. now it is inevitable, like a fly caught in a spider web, i stop flittering my brittle wings and look out the window to keep me alive. windows and more windows, all different sizes and surfaces that display new looks and double images (my face is spliced, then put back together with no eyes, nose, or mouth).

it feels strange to think about someone so much, even though i caught just one or two glimpses of her, but the hook came when she looked back at me. i said before that i walked away, but now i see her against the wall, staring at me as though she was doing her best to dare me to jump. when i see a cliff all i can think of is jumping, but when i see a girl who seems to be interested in me, i have the worst vertigo, and i cling to the nearest solid being.

yesterdays memories serve as a reminder that tomorrow could be great. so i cant fall asleep right now, because i dont know if this could be one of the days. keep me awake-