nothing is creepier than a heroine addict that creeps through your room

2004-05-03, 2:10 p.m.

sun collected on my body, i feel swollen and covered in burning sweat.

this is when i go.............. insi.de.

go inside, to the mirror, the light is absent outside it is blinding

blue on yelllow on green on brown

i need to adjust my eyes, my ears are ringing out and they are yelling out that i will fall over if it gets any more level.

* * *

that is the broken thought process going on all the time, like a steam engine that pumps out heat and sounds like a crashing train. sometimes i feel like telling a story, or maybe a little piece of my past, but then i realize they are the same thing, and they both vanish into obscurity in the anals of grey matter.

the heat feels like it did when i was 8 and i used to hang outside with my friends amoung the eucalyptus trees along barlow lane. that was when we would make up games with creatures and treasure, and innocent princesses, because that's all we were told about when we were babies. it is funny because the challenges that we yearned for were so attractive because of the reward. yet, we had no clue of what intrinsic value the rewards held; an 8 year old is unfamiliar with love, or with greed. and even now, everyday, people are fighting for rewards, and they have no god damned clue what tehy mean to us (i certainly dont have the answer).

if your goal is of finding someone to make the day easier to get through, i cannot relate. isnt it the psychosis that living evokes that makes a day so interesting?