here is the pouring rain

2003-09-20, 9:54 a.m.

i had a talk with a friend, who, although i really wanted someone to talk with, didnt feel like holding a conversation. i started because she asked how i felt, and i replied that every so often i get to where i have no present emotion. its not bored blah blah, but rather something like a total disregard for any feeling. People become frightened without something to hang onto emotionally, even if its just depression, especially if its depression. and i thought that feeling becomes counter productive for your mind, it gives birth to irrelevant outbursts.

feeling is like plunging out your eyes and putting them in backwards so all you can see id your glowing soul, its factory of hurt or pain or apathy to your parents. that is the sight, the sound, the eomotion of too many people, my age being the majority, they lose out on the rain that is so selfless. they dont hear the rain running acroos their roofs, tapping on their windows, creating static air just outside. i opened the sliding door when i heard rain through my headphones. diamonds, globules of daytime, sorted in the sive of heavenly bodies, there are bits of stars on my hand. if you feel your heart, it pounds on your palm, the rain covers you with layer upon layer of memory; emotions can now flood into your cold lungs.

emotions of nature, emotions which are so forgiving, so much like piles of leaves stacked in rows, supporting your weightless body. emotions that do not cry for you, do not make you cry; rather that they expect observation alone. remaining on the edge of stoicism, you are too aware to detach, but rather you are to detached to feel.